Day 4 - Some kind of order

I know, hilarious, right?



Things to write about (that don't already have drafts in the queue):

The First Call (TM) (and why I didn't want it)
Writing Letters: The new talking
Out of Touching
Feeling Bad (For Feeling So Good)

Four topics isn't so bad.

I would've knocked down at least "Feeling Bad" last night, except I ended up hanging out with Mrs. Host and her local friend, for dinner, dessert, and more.

Instead, 200 500 words on the DH I know and the DH I don't.


This train of thought came up as I engaged in a brief conversation with a friend of DH's I had no direct contact with until this friend sought me out on AIM earlier this week. DH had likely mentioned this person to me before, but not in enough detail for me to have a clear picture of this guy. Certainly I'd never met this friend as he lives on the East Cost.

In any case, this friend of DH's tells me how he misses the late night chats the two of them shared in recent months. My immediate (internal) reaction was a mild "did you just say that to me? Are you preaching to the preacher?". Luckily, as it's day 4, I'm pretty mellow about being apart from DH so far. The only reason I find it worth mentioning is because there are knots in my back and I miss having someone who knows how to work them out. (But this isn't the Out of Touching post)

Later in the conversation DH's friend mentions the wisdom and advice DH had given him. My reaction to this was a little more interesting.

Here's what a tiny, selfish, petulant, facetious part of me had to say: "But he's only allowed to be serious and sagacious with me. DH isn't supposed to mentor other people and be valuable to them. He's mine and I don't want to share his time and wonderfulness with anyone else! DH can be a playful goofball around other people, but I'm the one he's calm and serious with!"

I laugh at myself even as I have those thoughts. I find myself tangled between not wanting to define myself by DH, but still wanting to assert my importance to DH in his absence. There's not much around me on a day to day basis that validates my relationship to him. Well, I have our wedding rings and pictures and tokens, but nothing that's specifically to comfort me in this moment. There's no letter of "read this when I'm gone" or "open this while I'm at boot camp" or "listen to this when you miss me". There is his iPod that he packed with music for me, but I'm wishing for a more straightforward, accessible communique.

This is straying off message.

Hearing a testimonial from someone else about DH's value to them. My reaction wasn't just a silly, irrational flare of jealousy, but the picture of DH this guy was showing me was unexpected. It showed a side of my husband that I didn't know was active: the mentoring, brotherly side. Not that I think such things are beyond his ability, far from it. I know DH is these great things, but I didn't know he's these great things to other people right now.

Thinking there are things I don't know makes me feel more distant from him. Ugh.

Double Ugh. I'm getting really hurt and a little angry now that he didn't leave me anything more intimate than his mp3 player. I'm repressed so many legitimate feelings of loneliness, why do I have to get so emotional over something as small as this?


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Photo credit: Akash_K

Day 2 - Tennessee

Am here, safe and happy, despite being saddled with a wicked headache.

Last night I felt odd, like I didn't have enough words to describe what thing were like. Maybe most of my words are still in transit from CA. Or maybe I have to start over.

Will do so... after I get rid of this blasted headache.

T Minus Eight Hours

Shouldn't we be sleeping? No, I don't think we could.

Still living in the moment, enjoying it. Still not freaked out.

I crunched some financial numbers and ended up going through the emotional wringer, but that has passed. Nothing that can be done about it right now.

It helps that he's not going straight to the Depot (or wherever the first phase happens), and won't even be there till after I've landed in TN and am in my own unfamiliar world (though a much friendlier one).

I can feel the reality of boot camp at the edges... just beyond my peripheral vision, lurking in the wings. Don't really want to focus on that right now. I prefer to focus on dinner, snuggles, a little sleep, and kissing him goodbye in... just over seven hours.

T Minus One Day

Last night DH asked me to wake him up when I got up.

This morning I woke up at 7 and he told me he didn't fall asleep till close to 2 and asked for an extra hour (of course, dear :) ).

Now it's the hour later and I have to make the determination to let him sleep more and write about the party last night and how I'm doing right now, or wake him up so he can make me breakfast.

Or I can wake him up and ask if he wants more sleep.

...

He asked for 30 minutes more. Writing it is!

I have about 12 posts in draft format, some of which are time-sensitive for times that have passed. I still plan to write them up to the best of my ability.

----

Part of me is very very calm. Not worried at all. Actually, that's wrong. Most of me is not worried at all. The closer we get to DH leaving, the more confident I am that I'll hold it together and be just fine while he's gone. So fine that I won't even need this blog as a coping mechanism.

Not to say that I won't miss him, I will! But for all I love him, I doubt that I'm going to miss him in a gut wrenching way. I tell myself "change is coming, nothing will ever be the same", but deep down I am very assured that this exact situation will come up again. I'm pretty sure that during his 10 day leave in April, we'll spend time here at my parent's house. He'll be sleeping, I'll be up early writing or surfing the net.

Five percent of my mind is going crazy... because it thinks it should be. That part is aghast at how calm most of my brain is.

Ten percent of my mind is calm, but looks warily at the neurotic five percent, wondering if maybe that 5% is right, and this is something to freak out about.

The remaining 85% is chill. Confident in DH's ability to hack it (physically) in boot camp, and his ability to play the mental game. Also confident in my own ability to be happy and productive in his absence.

(Writing time is up, reflections on the send-off party later)

(Yestermorning post) T Minus 2 Days

I'm hiding. DH's impending departure doesn't feel real yet. I haven't felt a huge stone drop into my stomach or gotten so wired that I can't eat. Not yet.

DH mentions his nervousness occasionally (mostly when asked), but it seems like he's passed a number of physical milestones in getting ready for departure. Quitting his day job was one move towards making it real. Getting his ship date was another. Clearing the decks of commissions was likely a big one. On the other hands, I haven't taken big steps. Except for how I relate to DH and talk to him, not much has changed for me in the past weeks. He's jumping down cliffs, I'm walking down a gentle slope to the ocean. I wonder if I'll feel a big change before he's gone.


That;s not to say that the impending changes aren't on my mind. To lampshade what I believe is the most annoying habit I've picked up in the past couple weeks, it's been hyper-vigilance when it comes to *things*, mainly consumables. That is to say, when DH writes out a grocery list for my mom, I look over his shoulder and say, "Do we really need more XYZ, we're leaving soon and my parent's don't eat it." Or I try to tweak our orders at restaurants so there won't be leftovers (hardly ever works).

Thankfully, DH doesn't act annoyed when I bug him about managing stuff with departing in mind. I don't just nudge him about food, it's an affliction that definitely bleeds over into other things. Once I actually asked him, "Do you really need to buy new razors? You're leaving in less than a week..."

Note: I only did this because:
a) I'm very frugal and we're living on savings and
b) I'm always thinking about what I have to pack away

(Epilogue: I let him buy the razors. He does need them and I use them for shaving my legs, so can make use of the new ones.)

I don't think that's an extreme example, either. Consider our clothing situation: He won't take anything with him, and I can only take a portion of mine with me. I feel very strange carrying dirty laundry when I travel (at least on an outbound trip), and equally strange leaving dirty clothes in storage. Add this to my attempts to pack with any degree of finality more than 3 days before my trip, and I'm more neurotically "clothes conscious" than I've ever been in my life. And it has nothing to do with actually wearing clothes.

Deep down, I believe this is much ado about nothing. Of course there will be a load of laundry done on the last day, and of course all the packing and organizing will work out satisfactorily without me pulling an all-nighter. I expect that a lot of it is stress and energy directed along a tangent. As long as I'm not able to let go of things and relax, it's probably healthier this way, rather than channeling it towards other people and creating tension there.

But, really, relaxing would be the best thing to do.