Hedonathon, Days 1 and 2

I went into an odd spiral late Saturday night, trying, as usual, to understand my place in the world. The typical arguments came through my mind about limbo, whether or not I can be a productive member of society, so on and so forth. I circled again and again, trying to discern what responsibilities I have to other people and what obligations in my mind are fabrications for myself.

In the end, I decided to strip down the things I require of myself to the bare minimum: keeping the kitchen clean for my hosts, writing letters to DH, and keeping myself clean and healthy.

Other than that, I'm planning on spending March doing only whatever the heck I feel like.

Don't want to clean my room? Fine, sleep in. Don't feel like doing yoga? Read a book without guilt. Not in the mood to flog myself into working on a project nobody else cares about? Not gonna try!

In the past I've tried to fight my lack of responsibilities. I've felt so guilty about "doing nothing" with my life that I've made up things to work on, but even when I can point and say "I'm doing this", nobody seems to care that much. For a month, or at least until I get sick of it, I'm going to revel in my freedom, in this forced vacation.

This sounds extremely childish, to you, doesn't it? I don't really care, because I can't figure out a decent way to be a grown-up, with 31 days here, 7 days there, 10 days around, 3 weeks at home, then another handful of weeks somewhere else entirely. I used to think it was bad trying to establish myself when never living in one town for more than a year? HA.

So, you know what? I'm going to sleep when I want to, draw when I feel like it, paint what sounds fun, and spend many, many hours on the couch reading and writing bad poetry. And make a lot of food. I like cooking, and people around here enjoy what I make.

At one point I looked forward at my hedonism marathon and said "I'm going to do as little as possible for as long as possible", but I think that statement is false. Doing as little as possible would probably involve me forcing myself to be bored and unproductive on the internet during periods of time when what I want to be doing is drawing.

Art will get done. Maybe not the arts I expected of myself a month ago, but still arts. And when it doesn't get done, I'm not really going to care.