T Minus Three Days

The Marines, being the Marines, switched DH's MEPS check-up from today (Friday) to tomorrow at the last minute.

The good news is that I now have him to myself today and Sunday. The bad news is he might be in lousy shape for being sociable tomorrow evening. His recruiter will pick him up around 4am for the drive into LA.

It's also bittersweet for us to have two days to spend as we wish because we left our car with DH's dad yesterday. Fortunately we don't have to go anywhere to snuggle! He's still sleeping right now, though, so I don't feel bad for poking around the internet.

As usual, some of that poking included time on a forum for military wives. Someone asked a question that I'd been wondering about for some time: How long is your DH in for?

Reading through the many replies, I wasn't surprised by what I saw. Overwhelmingly (ratio of about 3:1), the husbands were either planning to stay in for more than 10 years or had already served 10 years or more. The majority of this group are clearly making a career out of military service, some for 20 years, some for 30 (and others falling in between).

In contrast to the 76 votes for 10 years or more, only 23 answers (at the time of my counting) indicated 10 years or less, and some of these weren't confident that their spouses wouldn't stay in longer. Also, a number of responses fit the format of 'He's done about 8 so far and we're really not sure...' Depending on the exact wording, I dumped them into column A or B, but 10 replies were too on the fence for me to make a ruling, even for a study as unscientific as this.

Similarly, of the 76 answers that said their DH would remain in the military for 10 years or more, a substantial portion had 10 or fewer years of service completed, but were confident about their future, but left open the possibility of minds being changed.


Once again, I feel like someone on the fringes, and wonder if this is why there are fewer resources for people who are just getting into the military. When you know it's a job and experience rather than a career move, are you less inclined to seek out the community? Many people go to college for longer than the 4 years of active duty DH and I are headed into. Are the lifers wanting to tell me, "Four years is really a short time; stop thinking it's such a big deal"?

It is a big deal in your 20s, though. A large percentage of life, and the sort of commitment required is unprecedented. (I am of the opinion that while marriage is a big and important commitment, the military demands more sacrifices of personal freedom.)

It's a big deal, but I'm surviving, and will continue to do so.



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Photo credit: dimtzanos

Prior to Parting #1 - START EARLY

While Mary Schmich's primary piece of living advice is to "wear sunscreen", my main bit of advice for couples heading down the road towards boot camp is to start early in planning on things to do before he leaves. This includes both parties and activities to partake of before he ships out, and also putting together something to keep her company in his absence (specifics forthcoming).

Let me reiterate my main point: Plan Early

If your delayed entry process is more than two or three months this is especially important. Despite knowing since July that my DH would be leaving near the end of the year, I let myself ignore the passing of the days until there were only two weeks left. All my ideas and plans that started with "I'd love to...." went out the window and I had to slash my expectations.

Also, it is inevitable that things will come up at the last minute and the final week before he ships will get jammed up with appointments with people he doesn't see often enough, or family BBQs. These are sometimes events out of your control (especially the family BBQs), so be proactive when you can, such as a get-together with friends.

In our situation, where military service is far outside the norm for my family and moderately outside the norm for DH's, we tried to be as accommodating as possible when other people asked for our time. Despite DH not expressing interest in a going-away party with his friends the first few times I mentioned it, I regret letting it go as easily as I did. Less than two weeks before he was scheduled to leave, DH started calling his friends from school to meet up with them. While it was out of my hands, it still saddened me when those plans fell through.

In summary, start planning early, but remember to block out time for the two of you to spend time alone together.


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Photo credit: Joe Lanman

T Minus Five Days

*big exhale* DH is finally, finally, finally done with his freelance work. Hip-hip-hooray!

Now I still have to share him with his parents and godparents, MEPS, and my family, but at least I don't have to share him with his clients anymore.

I have to say, the work he did was fantastic, despite being under deadline pressure and getting much less sleep than he's used to.

Stress has kept me off the internet lately, except for the escapism of video games. Over the past two or three days I haven't had the concentration to read anything, much less write or draw. It's a big relief to come back, though.

I pitched the concept that started this blog to a literary agency a week or so ago and I got the rejection I expected yesterday. In some ways it makes me want to work harder at making this an awesome project and resources, but in other ways I want to slack off and let it devolve into a half-assed shadow of the potential it represents.

Or at least I thought I might want to relax my standards until I sat down again. Doing so made me realize how much I miss writing. Unless this relaxation comes from DH no longer having a huge workload I can't help with. Now he can help with MY workload! (So this ramble has been pointless.)

That's unfair... I spent a good deal of today tidying up clothes, running errands, and packing up things that need to be mailed. Now I'm up super early and have a big day of writing and traveling and scheming ahead of me!

Not gonna write itself!

Starting back with thoughts stemming from New Year's Eve and Day...

Both were spent with a good friend of ours who wanted to get in one last quality hang-out before DH and I were unavailable. The three of us had a grand old time at the pub, at the ranch, and in town over about 24 hours. We dropped Draco (the friend) back at his place on our own way home, and each of us did some blogging about the experience, as is our norm.

It was a minor thing, but Draco casually mentioned that part of the occasion was DH leaving for boot camp. The post was public, so I asked him to remove that detail about boot camp. While Draco was easy-going about editing, it led to me spending a few minutes trying to explain why DH isn't fully public about his decision to join the Marines.

It's not a secret under lock and key by any means. Our families and most of our personal friends are in the loop, and anyone who did some serious snooping could stumble upon mention of DH's plans. Certain friends, however, and the casual fans of DH's artwork haven't heard about it. They may have picked up on the fact that he's leaving for three months, but not where he's going or why.

The largest reason for keeping DH's enlisting under our hats is, I believe, a noble one: he doesn't want to have any kind of reputation or status hullabaloo over something he hasn't done yet. A minor part of this reasons is not wanting to jinx it or have people paying close attention until it's a sure thing.

Being incapable of finishing boot camp and receiving his Eagle, Globe, and Anchor is not part of DH's vocabulary, but I think it's wise that he doesn't want to tempt fate by saying what he will be. Especially considering how long he's been in the Delayed Entry Process.

I'm fairly confident that waiting for the big reveal until he has something concrete to show would be the case even if backlash for joining the Marines wasn't a concern. I don't mean a kind of backlash that will result in retribution or harm or slander, just one of dramatic hullabaloo that is exhausting to deal with. DH and I experienced some (he more than I) with our sudden marriage at a relatively young age*.

Even among the closer friends who we told late last spring about DH's move towards the military, some initially told him they thought he was making a mistake that could damage his art career. While that argument was rational and well-meaning, other "concerned" friends are expected to have much more visceral reactions.

I'd say that it's merely the fact that a lot of the people he knows through the internet as a result of his art are the sort of left wing pacifists who refuse to understand the honor involved in joining the United States Marines. These are seldom people he devoted time and effort to befriending, but ones who were drawn to his awesomeness like moths to a flame. I'm fairly sure that these aggressive pacifists would also make Iraq and other US military efforts an issue in their reactions to DH's decision, but Iraq and Afghanistan didn't rank among his top 10 reasons for enlisting. As far as people who are simply anti-military... well, I guess they don't grasp the necessity of warriors.

Over the past months I've been complicit in the "need to know" policy of giving out information about DH's pending military status, and it's been easy, as I don't have much contact with the contingent he's waiting to tell. In my own group of people, DH has been fine with me sharing what's been going on in our lives with people who have no reason to pass it on or make a big deal about it. The only aspect of this method if intel control that I've ever worried about is people coming to me when he's out of contact for three months. We talked about it over NYE, and DH actually suggested that I mess with their heads a little bit, pretending not to know what they're talking about. I have to say, if I never get the chance, I might be a tiny bit disappointed.


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* We met when we were both 21, started dating 1.5 months after meeting, got engaged after 2 months of dating, and married 2 months after that.

Good News/Bad News

... Or maybe just neutral news that could go either way.

Since I last posted there have been things worth blogging about, and some of them involve emotional ups and downs. Due to taking a couple days off from writing (although I have been keeping reminder notes), most of the emotional energy is faded. Hopefully I'll be able to recall and examine the things I want to say without becoming overwhelmed.

Something non-Marine related, our 2009 started out wonderfully with a night out on the town and the next day with family and friends. Unfortunately, when we came back from DH's dad's place, there was an indian 2008, for lack of a better term.

The limbo and helplessness that defined 2008 were back and stronger than ever now that the beginning of my year is so close. Nine days now.

Let me get some rest and I'll fill in the rest of the details.