Day 18 (again) - Deep breathing

The dogs seem very anxious and restless today. It's entirely possible they're getting it from me. I'm restless, too, willing to pace with them through the kitchen, the living room, and down the hallway that brings us back to the kitchen, over and over again.

Of course, the pups aren't as focused or capable as I am and constantly pester me to be let inside or back out. At certain points it feels like all I can do to walk back and forth in my room, as though passing through that one point near the middle will, at some point, transport me to some different place, some different situation.

Last week I liked these afternoon hours of solitude. I could put my headphones on, sit at the kitchen table, draw and paint, ignore the dogs, and get pleasing amounts of work done. Today I've sat down a number of times, brush in hand, and simply can't make the usual flow mindset stick. I've made tiny, tiny amounts of progress, but my heart is beating fast and I worry my hands will shake at the wrong moment.

Right now, all this week, the times I'm alone in the house are the worst. Every weekday there are at least four hours during which I'm by myself (save for the dogs), and I don't know if I'm going to overload from the internal pressure of things I want to discuss or express, or collapse from the internal vacuum of not getting the attention I'm used to.

Here's something that makes me laugh and cry at the same time from the wikipedia page of Maslow's Hierarchy of Needs (a part of my psychology class that has stuck with me since high school):

The lower four layers of the pyramid are what Maslow called "deficiency needs" or "D-needs". With the exception of the lowest needs, physiological ones, if the deficiency needs are not met, the body gives no indication of it physically, but the individual feels anxious and tense.

Haha, you think Dr. Maslow?

I realize I'm repeating myself. This is the only thing I've been able to say this week. I know that.


Later on things got a little better, with people around and talking to my mom on the phone for about a half hour. At least I have high hopes for tomorrow. I'm just praying that next week isn't a repeat of this week.

My kind of meme

From all over, but most specifically the illustrious Vylar Kaftan

The first five people to respond to this post will get something made by me!

My choice. For you.

This offer does have some restrictions and limitations:

* I make no guarantees that you will like what I make!
* What I create will be with you in mind.
* It’ll be done sometime this year (2009).
* You have no clue what it’s going to be. It may be something written, some physical thing made, could be anything at all, but I will make it myself. It’s entirely my choice what it is. No quibbles, no refunds.
* I reserve the right to do something extremely strange.

Normally there's a catch down here about "you have to pass it on to get anything", but... nah. No conditions.

If you comment make sure I'm going to be able to find your email address!

I've posted this in two places, but am willing to take on 5 from each

Day... Ugh. 18?

I'm not going to lie. Week 3 is the hardest yet.

- Somehow the social activity (and lack of creative productivity) of Saturday and Sunday sent me into a lonesome, isolated tailspin that lasted all of Monday and Tuesday and definitely impacted Wednesday. (But things got better near the end.)

- My father-in-law and my parents both heard from DH but I haven't yet (I know I'm on the other side of the country, but that doesn't keep me from being petty.)

- FiL heard that DH had pneumonia for a while. :| (He's better now, it seems)

- Some of the other tidbits that my FiL passed on to me made me feel especially far apart and detached from DH.

- I failed to send DH a letter multiple days in a row.

Pulled apart and written down like that, none of it sounds like a big deal. I feel like I'm clutching onto rocks at the edge of a tall, high waterfall, and every oppressive or depressive moment hits me full in the face, threatening to drag me to my doom. Every difficult moment is seems to last forever, but when I look back, all of them are a small and distant pool far away from me.

Despite anguished days, the week seems to pass quickly.


I'm getting annoyed with the forum again, and all the women who still at least hear from their deployed husbands. I'm not annoyed with the individuals, just frustrated and feeling that ache of isolation. FIE.

Speaking of isolation, I've been pondering over the whole topic in my mind, over and over again, trying to uncover the roots of what and why and so on. Why am I being (in my head) an attention whore? What specific internal switches do I want to flip?

I'm very reflective and analytical, but despite these things giving me comfort and (apparently) insight, I wonder if all this psychology is really true and meaningful, or if I'm creating answers rather than finding them.

Is there really a difference between reactive socializing (with people who are around for their own reasons) or proactive socializing (with people who wouldn't be around without my input)? Does it really make a difference to have something outside my head to look forward to in the near (under 2 weeks) future?


On the radio today I heard that the point of novels is to ask questions, not answer them. *smirk*


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Photo credit: t.brumme

Day 15 - New sensation of empty

I am amused that the day I finally feel the need to talk about missing the physical contact with DH is the day I post that painting.

It struck me at odd moments over the weekend, the desire to reach out and touch. This might be because weekends are social times, hanging out with my hosts and their friends, here and in Nashville.

I've always missed my husband. All 15 days I've missed talking to him, missed the little affections between us. His primary "love language" is physical touch and over the past three years I've become fluent in it. More than the intimate aspects, I miss the casual proximity.

The feeling is similar to the dull ache when a vital element is missing from my food diet. In some location I can't pinpoint, I feel deficient. There's a sensation that comes from being close to someone familiar, an automatic relaxation from even platonic contact, and it's been over three years since I've gone more than two weeks without getting Vitamin Hug from any person, much less the most important person to me.

Ugh.

Letters! Finally!

I don't know if I should be laughing at that as much as I am.



DH is making Myst references. All is well in the world. :)

The anxiety, I think, is over. From here on out, I expect mostly impatience as he continually reminds me how much he misses me. :)

Weak vs. Soldiers

I listened to the most recent edition of PodCastle (fantasy fiction podcast) while doing the dishes today.

This week's story was Honest Man (you can listen at that link) by Naomi Kritzer. I've heard it before, although I'm not sure where. Maybe I read it last year when it was published in Realms of Fantasy?

In any case, while listening to "Honest Man" I found yet more proof that I'm really going through this, and that I'm a person with emotions, just like everyone else.

Early in the story (it begins during WWII) the main character, Iris, wonders if she should mention her boyfriend who is serving in the infantry to the man chatting with her in a diner. Even without me thinking deeply about what I was listening to, tears sprang to my eyes as I forged a bond of empathy with that fictional character.

Peppered throughout the rest of the story are other mentions of Iris's boyfriend, later her husband. Their relationship isn't a central aspect to the story, but each time Ben and Iris's marriage to him came up, I felt a pang of reflection as I saw glimpses of my future. The fact that Iris is based on the author's own grandmother probably contributes to the empathy quotient.

Hopefully when my DH is off at war, though, I won't have to wait months between letters.

(Catch up post) Guilty as charged.

"You sound like you're doing well"

I was. I am. I was feeling good then (last week), I am feeling good now. And if I get "meta" and look at myself from the outside, I actually feel bad--a little guilty--that I'm doing so well and feeling so good.

This sensation was especially strong last week when I imagined DH to be going through the toughest (mental) parts of his time at boot camp, and before I had any bad reactions to being away from him. Even now, after I've had a couple reality checks (getting mad at him once, getting homesick once), I occasionally feel guilty when I look forward to the following day. Is it right that I'm so optimistic and energetic? So productive and impressed with myself?


It's difficult to hang onto those good feelings when I think about DH. I worry that I'm disrespecting his struggle by overcoming my own so easily. It disturbs me, but he becomes less and less of a concrete person the longer I go without hearing from him. He's something of memory and theory that I haven't experienced since 4am of Monday last week.

Occasionally, mostly when I'm writing here, I try to visualize where he is at the moment, what he's doing, and the only references I have are clips of boot camp documentaries. Thinking about my husband as a stony-faced recruit having unintelligible gibberish yelled at him is not comforting. Even without the yelling, the thought of my husband standing at attention, unresponsive to anything around, disturbs me.

Ever since I heard from my father-in-law about the call he got from DH on the day DH left, my husband not responding or reacting to me is a major nightmare. Thankfully not one I dream while I sleep, but the words my father-in-law used to describe that phonecall made me very very thankful DH called his dad instead of me.

"Obviously, he was being controlled and I was unable to engage him in conversation," wrote my FiL.

Perhaps I'm being neurotic about semantics. I understand that the reality of it wasn't sadistic or extreme, but I'm happy to avoid any situation in which I am directly communicating with my DH, but he is unable to be his usual self.

The rest of the email from my father in law was more comforting:

But if I could read between his lines, he's secure in his own skin and that he'll let them (the drill sergeants) think he's fooled by their mind games, but he still has his "on" and "off" switch...........I'm sure you understand and can visualize.

And I can. DH worked in retail the eight months before he went to boot camp, so I'm well aware that he can subdue the best parts of his personality and get through what he needs to. Of course, I'm not used to him being like that around me.

It now occurs to me that it might have been strategy on DH's part to call his dad instead of me. We're not phone people, I was in a different time zone, and he had cleared it with me beforehand that he'd be calling one of his parents. All that aside, perhaps DH was protecting himself from punishment, knowing that if he heard my voice he wouldn't be able to stay "in character" (or rather, out of character). Maybe talking to me would have caused him to break form, which would have meant punishment.

*Grin*


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Photo credit: "toastiest"

Confidence

These three months (now less than three (<3)) are going to be a major lesson in confidence and self assuredness for me.

Now that DH is gone, I realize more than ever how much reassurance and support he is for me on a daily basis when we're together. The majority of support I get from him and nowhere else is related to my artistic endeavors. DH is amazing at pointing out what I do right and guiding me toward how to fix what I do wrong.

It often takes me a long time to trust someone's assessment of my art, and to be open to help with fixing things, I have to have a high opinion of their skills. I don't think I'm unique in this, but I have an odd mix of insecurity and defensiveness about my work. Mostly the former, though.

Several times in the past few days I've felt devastatingly awful about the watercolor illustrations I've been doing. It's a project I've been planning on spending most of these three months on. Any disruption of that plan, especially abandonment of it, will likely cause me to lose my bearings again. Being in that situation is not fun at all.

The one thought of determination that gets me through the bouts of self doubt and insecurity is that DH doesn't have anyone familiar to lean on, either. No doubt he's bonding with his boot camp buddies, and they'll develop a teamwork rapport, but he doesn't have, well, me there being reassuring and encouraging. If he can get through 12 weeks of physically and mentally demanding insanity without me, I can get through the terror and possible humiliation of creating and sharing artwork without him. Don't want to, but I can.



And since I'm uploading things, something for my mom:



It snowed a little more today, and I went outside in the super light flurry. Very cold to this SoCal girl, but I had my comfy old sweatshirt from home (thanks to my self-care package arriving today).

The reddish brown blob on the right is Moxie, one of the dogs here.

Heart Juice

A week or so ago Indiana Girl mentioned shopping for a Valentines care package for her deployed husband.

For the first time I wondered what it'll be like for the guys who are in relationships to be at boot camp on Valentine's Day. I don't often think of DH in a typical Valentines fashion... we sorta started dating the day after Valentines back in 06 (I look forward to telling that story on that anniversary), and haven't celebrated the 14th or the 15th in any extravagant way in the two years since then.

This year I'll probably send him letters/drawings as usual, and maybe a little painting to mark the occasion, but I'm more curious about what it might be like for guys/couples with a more mainstream view of the "holiday". Letters go in and letters come out, but with no other communication, no opportunities for packages, I wonder how it stifles (or enhances?) the day for involved couples.

BLEH.

Why did he have to go now? Why does he have to be gone for the first time during a part of the year when I'm naturally going to be looking back at what my life was like three years ago? I'll be alone and remembering the early days hanging out, remembering our first date, our first kiss, the april fools engagement... And then when he's in MOS school he'll miss our actual engagement and our wedding anniversary. Why couldn't he have left after that? Between June and December there are memories of good times, but nothing as anchored in chronology as much as all these memories of magical firsts.

I honestly believe that right now is the hardest time, the moments between parting and first contact. All my knowledge of DH feels obsolete. Sure, he'll still be the same man when I hear from him again, and when I see him again, but he's piling up new experiences that are a complete mystery to me. GRR.

Any day now, right?

Time Stand Still...? (Day 7)

Time Stand Still by Rush


(The audio is better in the music video version, but the visuals are just crazy)

lyrics, for the curious

And minor discovery: Amiee Mann did the female vocals (...on the album version), and played herself in the music video. The more you know!

Besides being one of my favorite songs, TSS is appropriate because I find myself wishing time would slow down for a minute or five or sixty. In the evenings I freak out that there are so few hours left in the day.

Shouldn't I be on the other side of things? Being glad each day is over because it hastens my return to CA and DH? But no, I'm wanting to accomplish as much as possible each day.


Didn't accomplish much yesterday, either, at least not in the objective, working-towards-goals sense. Spontaneous trips around town contribute to that, or, in yesterday's case, to Nashville, about 30 minutes away.

Something that did occur to me yesterday was a new mental plan for how to treat being apart from DH. I've created a fictional "tomorrow" for myself, a carrot on a stick to keep me moving forward. It's very simplistic, really, something that might have roots in a less modern society. DH isn't coming home today, so I tell myself I'll see him "tomorrow". The next time the sun rises, it'll be "today" again, and "tomorrow" is pushed off into an infinite future.

Another way of putting it: I have no chronological depth perception.

Thus, on good days, I tell myself "tomorrow! get lots done and be impressive!" Unfortunately, it doesn't work well on days that I fail to produce art on.

I talk like I'm old hat at this. It's been less than a week.

(catch up post) This isn't how I wanted to spend Saturday (Day 6) morning

None of my usual (civilian) haunts had much to offer me this morning (and I wasn't ready to get up), so I turned to the military side of my internet.

After a few dozen minutes browsing the forum for military spouses I frequent, I realized I didn't want to be there at all today. Maybe it's some wacky brand of denial, but it didn't feel helpful to "be around" people who might know what I'm going through.

I suppose I feel like I'm not "going through" anything at the moment. Yesterday was blissfully focused on the painting project I'm hoping will occupy (but not completely take over) my time.



There's a preview of it. I suppose you could call it a web comic. We'll see! Hopefully next week!

Day 4 - Some kind of order

I know, hilarious, right?



Things to write about (that don't already have drafts in the queue):

The First Call (TM) (and why I didn't want it)
Writing Letters: The new talking
Out of Touching
Feeling Bad (For Feeling So Good)

Four topics isn't so bad.

I would've knocked down at least "Feeling Bad" last night, except I ended up hanging out with Mrs. Host and her local friend, for dinner, dessert, and more.

Instead, 200 500 words on the DH I know and the DH I don't.


This train of thought came up as I engaged in a brief conversation with a friend of DH's I had no direct contact with until this friend sought me out on AIM earlier this week. DH had likely mentioned this person to me before, but not in enough detail for me to have a clear picture of this guy. Certainly I'd never met this friend as he lives on the East Cost.

In any case, this friend of DH's tells me how he misses the late night chats the two of them shared in recent months. My immediate (internal) reaction was a mild "did you just say that to me? Are you preaching to the preacher?". Luckily, as it's day 4, I'm pretty mellow about being apart from DH so far. The only reason I find it worth mentioning is because there are knots in my back and I miss having someone who knows how to work them out. (But this isn't the Out of Touching post)

Later in the conversation DH's friend mentions the wisdom and advice DH had given him. My reaction to this was a little more interesting.

Here's what a tiny, selfish, petulant, facetious part of me had to say: "But he's only allowed to be serious and sagacious with me. DH isn't supposed to mentor other people and be valuable to them. He's mine and I don't want to share his time and wonderfulness with anyone else! DH can be a playful goofball around other people, but I'm the one he's calm and serious with!"

I laugh at myself even as I have those thoughts. I find myself tangled between not wanting to define myself by DH, but still wanting to assert my importance to DH in his absence. There's not much around me on a day to day basis that validates my relationship to him. Well, I have our wedding rings and pictures and tokens, but nothing that's specifically to comfort me in this moment. There's no letter of "read this when I'm gone" or "open this while I'm at boot camp" or "listen to this when you miss me". There is his iPod that he packed with music for me, but I'm wishing for a more straightforward, accessible communique.

This is straying off message.

Hearing a testimonial from someone else about DH's value to them. My reaction wasn't just a silly, irrational flare of jealousy, but the picture of DH this guy was showing me was unexpected. It showed a side of my husband that I didn't know was active: the mentoring, brotherly side. Not that I think such things are beyond his ability, far from it. I know DH is these great things, but I didn't know he's these great things to other people right now.

Thinking there are things I don't know makes me feel more distant from him. Ugh.

Double Ugh. I'm getting really hurt and a little angry now that he didn't leave me anything more intimate than his mp3 player. I'm repressed so many legitimate feelings of loneliness, why do I have to get so emotional over something as small as this?


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Photo credit: Akash_K

Day 2 - Tennessee

Am here, safe and happy, despite being saddled with a wicked headache.

Last night I felt odd, like I didn't have enough words to describe what thing were like. Maybe most of my words are still in transit from CA. Or maybe I have to start over.

Will do so... after I get rid of this blasted headache.

T Minus Eight Hours

Shouldn't we be sleeping? No, I don't think we could.

Still living in the moment, enjoying it. Still not freaked out.

I crunched some financial numbers and ended up going through the emotional wringer, but that has passed. Nothing that can be done about it right now.

It helps that he's not going straight to the Depot (or wherever the first phase happens), and won't even be there till after I've landed in TN and am in my own unfamiliar world (though a much friendlier one).

I can feel the reality of boot camp at the edges... just beyond my peripheral vision, lurking in the wings. Don't really want to focus on that right now. I prefer to focus on dinner, snuggles, a little sleep, and kissing him goodbye in... just over seven hours.

T Minus One Day

Last night DH asked me to wake him up when I got up.

This morning I woke up at 7 and he told me he didn't fall asleep till close to 2 and asked for an extra hour (of course, dear :) ).

Now it's the hour later and I have to make the determination to let him sleep more and write about the party last night and how I'm doing right now, or wake him up so he can make me breakfast.

Or I can wake him up and ask if he wants more sleep.

...

He asked for 30 minutes more. Writing it is!

I have about 12 posts in draft format, some of which are time-sensitive for times that have passed. I still plan to write them up to the best of my ability.

----

Part of me is very very calm. Not worried at all. Actually, that's wrong. Most of me is not worried at all. The closer we get to DH leaving, the more confident I am that I'll hold it together and be just fine while he's gone. So fine that I won't even need this blog as a coping mechanism.

Not to say that I won't miss him, I will! But for all I love him, I doubt that I'm going to miss him in a gut wrenching way. I tell myself "change is coming, nothing will ever be the same", but deep down I am very assured that this exact situation will come up again. I'm pretty sure that during his 10 day leave in April, we'll spend time here at my parent's house. He'll be sleeping, I'll be up early writing or surfing the net.

Five percent of my mind is going crazy... because it thinks it should be. That part is aghast at how calm most of my brain is.

Ten percent of my mind is calm, but looks warily at the neurotic five percent, wondering if maybe that 5% is right, and this is something to freak out about.

The remaining 85% is chill. Confident in DH's ability to hack it (physically) in boot camp, and his ability to play the mental game. Also confident in my own ability to be happy and productive in his absence.

(Writing time is up, reflections on the send-off party later)

(Yestermorning post) T Minus 2 Days

I'm hiding. DH's impending departure doesn't feel real yet. I haven't felt a huge stone drop into my stomach or gotten so wired that I can't eat. Not yet.

DH mentions his nervousness occasionally (mostly when asked), but it seems like he's passed a number of physical milestones in getting ready for departure. Quitting his day job was one move towards making it real. Getting his ship date was another. Clearing the decks of commissions was likely a big one. On the other hands, I haven't taken big steps. Except for how I relate to DH and talk to him, not much has changed for me in the past weeks. He's jumping down cliffs, I'm walking down a gentle slope to the ocean. I wonder if I'll feel a big change before he's gone.


That;s not to say that the impending changes aren't on my mind. To lampshade what I believe is the most annoying habit I've picked up in the past couple weeks, it's been hyper-vigilance when it comes to *things*, mainly consumables. That is to say, when DH writes out a grocery list for my mom, I look over his shoulder and say, "Do we really need more XYZ, we're leaving soon and my parent's don't eat it." Or I try to tweak our orders at restaurants so there won't be leftovers (hardly ever works).

Thankfully, DH doesn't act annoyed when I bug him about managing stuff with departing in mind. I don't just nudge him about food, it's an affliction that definitely bleeds over into other things. Once I actually asked him, "Do you really need to buy new razors? You're leaving in less than a week..."

Note: I only did this because:
a) I'm very frugal and we're living on savings and
b) I'm always thinking about what I have to pack away

(Epilogue: I let him buy the razors. He does need them and I use them for shaving my legs, so can make use of the new ones.)

I don't think that's an extreme example, either. Consider our clothing situation: He won't take anything with him, and I can only take a portion of mine with me. I feel very strange carrying dirty laundry when I travel (at least on an outbound trip), and equally strange leaving dirty clothes in storage. Add this to my attempts to pack with any degree of finality more than 3 days before my trip, and I'm more neurotically "clothes conscious" than I've ever been in my life. And it has nothing to do with actually wearing clothes.

Deep down, I believe this is much ado about nothing. Of course there will be a load of laundry done on the last day, and of course all the packing and organizing will work out satisfactorily without me pulling an all-nighter. I expect that a lot of it is stress and energy directed along a tangent. As long as I'm not able to let go of things and relax, it's probably healthier this way, rather than channeling it towards other people and creating tension there.

But, really, relaxing would be the best thing to do.

T Minus Three Days

The Marines, being the Marines, switched DH's MEPS check-up from today (Friday) to tomorrow at the last minute.

The good news is that I now have him to myself today and Sunday. The bad news is he might be in lousy shape for being sociable tomorrow evening. His recruiter will pick him up around 4am for the drive into LA.

It's also bittersweet for us to have two days to spend as we wish because we left our car with DH's dad yesterday. Fortunately we don't have to go anywhere to snuggle! He's still sleeping right now, though, so I don't feel bad for poking around the internet.

As usual, some of that poking included time on a forum for military wives. Someone asked a question that I'd been wondering about for some time: How long is your DH in for?

Reading through the many replies, I wasn't surprised by what I saw. Overwhelmingly (ratio of about 3:1), the husbands were either planning to stay in for more than 10 years or had already served 10 years or more. The majority of this group are clearly making a career out of military service, some for 20 years, some for 30 (and others falling in between).

In contrast to the 76 votes for 10 years or more, only 23 answers (at the time of my counting) indicated 10 years or less, and some of these weren't confident that their spouses wouldn't stay in longer. Also, a number of responses fit the format of 'He's done about 8 so far and we're really not sure...' Depending on the exact wording, I dumped them into column A or B, but 10 replies were too on the fence for me to make a ruling, even for a study as unscientific as this.

Similarly, of the 76 answers that said their DH would remain in the military for 10 years or more, a substantial portion had 10 or fewer years of service completed, but were confident about their future, but left open the possibility of minds being changed.


Once again, I feel like someone on the fringes, and wonder if this is why there are fewer resources for people who are just getting into the military. When you know it's a job and experience rather than a career move, are you less inclined to seek out the community? Many people go to college for longer than the 4 years of active duty DH and I are headed into. Are the lifers wanting to tell me, "Four years is really a short time; stop thinking it's such a big deal"?

It is a big deal in your 20s, though. A large percentage of life, and the sort of commitment required is unprecedented. (I am of the opinion that while marriage is a big and important commitment, the military demands more sacrifices of personal freedom.)

It's a big deal, but I'm surviving, and will continue to do so.



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Photo credit: dimtzanos

Prior to Parting #1 - START EARLY

While Mary Schmich's primary piece of living advice is to "wear sunscreen", my main bit of advice for couples heading down the road towards boot camp is to start early in planning on things to do before he leaves. This includes both parties and activities to partake of before he ships out, and also putting together something to keep her company in his absence (specifics forthcoming).

Let me reiterate my main point: Plan Early

If your delayed entry process is more than two or three months this is especially important. Despite knowing since July that my DH would be leaving near the end of the year, I let myself ignore the passing of the days until there were only two weeks left. All my ideas and plans that started with "I'd love to...." went out the window and I had to slash my expectations.

Also, it is inevitable that things will come up at the last minute and the final week before he ships will get jammed up with appointments with people he doesn't see often enough, or family BBQs. These are sometimes events out of your control (especially the family BBQs), so be proactive when you can, such as a get-together with friends.

In our situation, where military service is far outside the norm for my family and moderately outside the norm for DH's, we tried to be as accommodating as possible when other people asked for our time. Despite DH not expressing interest in a going-away party with his friends the first few times I mentioned it, I regret letting it go as easily as I did. Less than two weeks before he was scheduled to leave, DH started calling his friends from school to meet up with them. While it was out of my hands, it still saddened me when those plans fell through.

In summary, start planning early, but remember to block out time for the two of you to spend time alone together.


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Photo credit: Joe Lanman

T Minus Five Days

*big exhale* DH is finally, finally, finally done with his freelance work. Hip-hip-hooray!

Now I still have to share him with his parents and godparents, MEPS, and my family, but at least I don't have to share him with his clients anymore.

I have to say, the work he did was fantastic, despite being under deadline pressure and getting much less sleep than he's used to.

Stress has kept me off the internet lately, except for the escapism of video games. Over the past two or three days I haven't had the concentration to read anything, much less write or draw. It's a big relief to come back, though.

I pitched the concept that started this blog to a literary agency a week or so ago and I got the rejection I expected yesterday. In some ways it makes me want to work harder at making this an awesome project and resources, but in other ways I want to slack off and let it devolve into a half-assed shadow of the potential it represents.

Or at least I thought I might want to relax my standards until I sat down again. Doing so made me realize how much I miss writing. Unless this relaxation comes from DH no longer having a huge workload I can't help with. Now he can help with MY workload! (So this ramble has been pointless.)

That's unfair... I spent a good deal of today tidying up clothes, running errands, and packing up things that need to be mailed. Now I'm up super early and have a big day of writing and traveling and scheming ahead of me!

Not gonna write itself!

Starting back with thoughts stemming from New Year's Eve and Day...

Both were spent with a good friend of ours who wanted to get in one last quality hang-out before DH and I were unavailable. The three of us had a grand old time at the pub, at the ranch, and in town over about 24 hours. We dropped Draco (the friend) back at his place on our own way home, and each of us did some blogging about the experience, as is our norm.

It was a minor thing, but Draco casually mentioned that part of the occasion was DH leaving for boot camp. The post was public, so I asked him to remove that detail about boot camp. While Draco was easy-going about editing, it led to me spending a few minutes trying to explain why DH isn't fully public about his decision to join the Marines.

It's not a secret under lock and key by any means. Our families and most of our personal friends are in the loop, and anyone who did some serious snooping could stumble upon mention of DH's plans. Certain friends, however, and the casual fans of DH's artwork haven't heard about it. They may have picked up on the fact that he's leaving for three months, but not where he's going or why.

The largest reason for keeping DH's enlisting under our hats is, I believe, a noble one: he doesn't want to have any kind of reputation or status hullabaloo over something he hasn't done yet. A minor part of this reasons is not wanting to jinx it or have people paying close attention until it's a sure thing.

Being incapable of finishing boot camp and receiving his Eagle, Globe, and Anchor is not part of DH's vocabulary, but I think it's wise that he doesn't want to tempt fate by saying what he will be. Especially considering how long he's been in the Delayed Entry Process.

I'm fairly confident that waiting for the big reveal until he has something concrete to show would be the case even if backlash for joining the Marines wasn't a concern. I don't mean a kind of backlash that will result in retribution or harm or slander, just one of dramatic hullabaloo that is exhausting to deal with. DH and I experienced some (he more than I) with our sudden marriage at a relatively young age*.

Even among the closer friends who we told late last spring about DH's move towards the military, some initially told him they thought he was making a mistake that could damage his art career. While that argument was rational and well-meaning, other "concerned" friends are expected to have much more visceral reactions.

I'd say that it's merely the fact that a lot of the people he knows through the internet as a result of his art are the sort of left wing pacifists who refuse to understand the honor involved in joining the United States Marines. These are seldom people he devoted time and effort to befriending, but ones who were drawn to his awesomeness like moths to a flame. I'm fairly sure that these aggressive pacifists would also make Iraq and other US military efforts an issue in their reactions to DH's decision, but Iraq and Afghanistan didn't rank among his top 10 reasons for enlisting. As far as people who are simply anti-military... well, I guess they don't grasp the necessity of warriors.

Over the past months I've been complicit in the "need to know" policy of giving out information about DH's pending military status, and it's been easy, as I don't have much contact with the contingent he's waiting to tell. In my own group of people, DH has been fine with me sharing what's been going on in our lives with people who have no reason to pass it on or make a big deal about it. The only aspect of this method if intel control that I've ever worried about is people coming to me when he's out of contact for three months. We talked about it over NYE, and DH actually suggested that I mess with their heads a little bit, pretending not to know what they're talking about. I have to say, if I never get the chance, I might be a tiny bit disappointed.


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* We met when we were both 21, started dating 1.5 months after meeting, got engaged after 2 months of dating, and married 2 months after that.

Good News/Bad News

... Or maybe just neutral news that could go either way.

Since I last posted there have been things worth blogging about, and some of them involve emotional ups and downs. Due to taking a couple days off from writing (although I have been keeping reminder notes), most of the emotional energy is faded. Hopefully I'll be able to recall and examine the things I want to say without becoming overwhelmed.

Something non-Marine related, our 2009 started out wonderfully with a night out on the town and the next day with family and friends. Unfortunately, when we came back from DH's dad's place, there was an indian 2008, for lack of a better term.

The limbo and helplessness that defined 2008 were back and stronger than ever now that the beginning of my year is so close. Nine days now.

Let me get some rest and I'll fill in the rest of the details.