(Catch up post) Guilty as charged.

"You sound like you're doing well"

I was. I am. I was feeling good then (last week), I am feeling good now. And if I get "meta" and look at myself from the outside, I actually feel bad--a little guilty--that I'm doing so well and feeling so good.

This sensation was especially strong last week when I imagined DH to be going through the toughest (mental) parts of his time at boot camp, and before I had any bad reactions to being away from him. Even now, after I've had a couple reality checks (getting mad at him once, getting homesick once), I occasionally feel guilty when I look forward to the following day. Is it right that I'm so optimistic and energetic? So productive and impressed with myself?


It's difficult to hang onto those good feelings when I think about DH. I worry that I'm disrespecting his struggle by overcoming my own so easily. It disturbs me, but he becomes less and less of a concrete person the longer I go without hearing from him. He's something of memory and theory that I haven't experienced since 4am of Monday last week.

Occasionally, mostly when I'm writing here, I try to visualize where he is at the moment, what he's doing, and the only references I have are clips of boot camp documentaries. Thinking about my husband as a stony-faced recruit having unintelligible gibberish yelled at him is not comforting. Even without the yelling, the thought of my husband standing at attention, unresponsive to anything around, disturbs me.

Ever since I heard from my father-in-law about the call he got from DH on the day DH left, my husband not responding or reacting to me is a major nightmare. Thankfully not one I dream while I sleep, but the words my father-in-law used to describe that phonecall made me very very thankful DH called his dad instead of me.

"Obviously, he was being controlled and I was unable to engage him in conversation," wrote my FiL.

Perhaps I'm being neurotic about semantics. I understand that the reality of it wasn't sadistic or extreme, but I'm happy to avoid any situation in which I am directly communicating with my DH, but he is unable to be his usual self.

The rest of the email from my father in law was more comforting:

But if I could read between his lines, he's secure in his own skin and that he'll let them (the drill sergeants) think he's fooled by their mind games, but he still has his "on" and "off" switch...........I'm sure you understand and can visualize.

And I can. DH worked in retail the eight months before he went to boot camp, so I'm well aware that he can subdue the best parts of his personality and get through what he needs to. Of course, I'm not used to him being like that around me.

It now occurs to me that it might have been strategy on DH's part to call his dad instead of me. We're not phone people, I was in a different time zone, and he had cleared it with me beforehand that he'd be calling one of his parents. All that aside, perhaps DH was protecting himself from punishment, knowing that if he heard my voice he wouldn't be able to stay "in character" (or rather, out of character). Maybe talking to me would have caused him to break form, which would have meant punishment.

*Grin*


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Photo credit: "toastiest"