Day 4 - Some kind of order

I know, hilarious, right?



Things to write about (that don't already have drafts in the queue):

The First Call (TM) (and why I didn't want it)
Writing Letters: The new talking
Out of Touching
Feeling Bad (For Feeling So Good)

Four topics isn't so bad.

I would've knocked down at least "Feeling Bad" last night, except I ended up hanging out with Mrs. Host and her local friend, for dinner, dessert, and more.

Instead, 200 500 words on the DH I know and the DH I don't.


This train of thought came up as I engaged in a brief conversation with a friend of DH's I had no direct contact with until this friend sought me out on AIM earlier this week. DH had likely mentioned this person to me before, but not in enough detail for me to have a clear picture of this guy. Certainly I'd never met this friend as he lives on the East Cost.

In any case, this friend of DH's tells me how he misses the late night chats the two of them shared in recent months. My immediate (internal) reaction was a mild "did you just say that to me? Are you preaching to the preacher?". Luckily, as it's day 4, I'm pretty mellow about being apart from DH so far. The only reason I find it worth mentioning is because there are knots in my back and I miss having someone who knows how to work them out. (But this isn't the Out of Touching post)

Later in the conversation DH's friend mentions the wisdom and advice DH had given him. My reaction to this was a little more interesting.

Here's what a tiny, selfish, petulant, facetious part of me had to say: "But he's only allowed to be serious and sagacious with me. DH isn't supposed to mentor other people and be valuable to them. He's mine and I don't want to share his time and wonderfulness with anyone else! DH can be a playful goofball around other people, but I'm the one he's calm and serious with!"

I laugh at myself even as I have those thoughts. I find myself tangled between not wanting to define myself by DH, but still wanting to assert my importance to DH in his absence. There's not much around me on a day to day basis that validates my relationship to him. Well, I have our wedding rings and pictures and tokens, but nothing that's specifically to comfort me in this moment. There's no letter of "read this when I'm gone" or "open this while I'm at boot camp" or "listen to this when you miss me". There is his iPod that he packed with music for me, but I'm wishing for a more straightforward, accessible communique.

This is straying off message.

Hearing a testimonial from someone else about DH's value to them. My reaction wasn't just a silly, irrational flare of jealousy, but the picture of DH this guy was showing me was unexpected. It showed a side of my husband that I didn't know was active: the mentoring, brotherly side. Not that I think such things are beyond his ability, far from it. I know DH is these great things, but I didn't know he's these great things to other people right now.

Thinking there are things I don't know makes me feel more distant from him. Ugh.

Double Ugh. I'm getting really hurt and a little angry now that he didn't leave me anything more intimate than his mp3 player. I'm repressed so many legitimate feelings of loneliness, why do I have to get so emotional over something as small as this?


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Photo credit: Akash_K